Broken Choices

Choices.

I've made many. Regretted most. Falling too deep and allowing too much. Allowing, painful experiences to over rule my opportunity to be vulnerable. Then because of that, I block myself off due to feeling like I am bracing for an disastrous impact. I liken it to the experience of when a plane suddenly begins spiraling and plummeting towards the ever closer ground. Descending, falling from the sky. A desperate warning forgotten within chaos. Fully encompassed with the terror of the inevitable coming to the worst most unimaginable end. Yet and still I put childish things aside when I became a woman. The pain of losing everything you've wanted and worked for is full of despair. Being here is what I came for? No, this isn't what I signed up for, not heartbreaking with a side of gut wrenching failure. However, this is what I've asked for. I guess setting myself up for utter collapse is something I've always been good at. Recovering is something I've never been great at. With anyone you can make mistakes. I wish it was easier to be cold and just let go. For me it's just not. How do you thank someone for something they don't even know they did? How do you get close and vulnerable without getting too involved, distant enough to let go and say goodbye once they would be better off with you? There is never an easy answer. You're in or you're out. 

Fruit that hath broken.