Bad @ Love.

Another one bites the dust.

Child's play.

Trust? 

What's that?

Constantly falling short. 

Wildin. Steady. 

Awkward silence. 

Fighting for peace. Within. 

It's so cold on these many nights. 

Lonely but not alone. 

In this house I don't feel like I'm home.

Falling short again. 

On my own.

Witty words.

I've suffered in silence.

I stopped talking.

I stopped talking to everyone.

Why talk when no one listens.

I isolated myself.

Lost.

I suffered in pain.

Every pain, trauma, experience and bad choice became magnified. 

Hyper focused.

The stakes were high. 

Higher than my standards. 

Higher than peoples noses.

Higher 

Than I've ever been. 

Better than my taste in men.

I burned the stakes.

I burnt at the stake. 

A fall from grace.

An unfinished race.

Set an unreachable pace.

Wept for a thousand miles.

Went through thousands of trials.

Slept in denial.

Slept with denial.

My enemy absorbed my energy.

I turned to dust.

Frienemy 

The house I built inside of myself was blown down.

Big bad wolf.

Among other bad things, that probably aren't good for you.

Yet, you still wanna do.

Child's play.

No Ken and Barbie.

Bonnie, no Clyde. Sorry.

Reality.

All the trees were on fire.

The seas became dry.

Wind became still. 

Ls on my feels.

Finish them.

Suffocate me.

Choke me.

Fuck the pain out of me.

Put out the burning fires of desire.

Typical for me to ruin the party.

Everything imploding.

Self Combustion.

Aggression.

Dancing on my gravestone. 

Avidly.

Best time of my life.

I'm okay.

I'm lying.

Fuck you.

No one really asks how you are and wants the truth.

I do.

Best time of my life.

I turned. 

Ran into me.

When I was trying to run away.

No communication.

Seas waves crashed into thoughts deeply.

Trees sprang up from the roots.

From the seeds of duality.

Hopes on high.

High on the roof.

Balancing on the edge.

Perfect private pirouette.

Jumping off my heart.

Do you feel it yet?

In the end I let um hate.

I always congratulate.

I mind my own business.

I took the L then finished cleaning the plate.

Although, I was unclean, I remembered a time when my heart did sing.

A song made of dreams.

Hope.

I vowed not to give up and always keep my chin up.

Yet, I cracked apart at every seam.

Fuck that hope and dream. 

Each moment being forced down to my knees. 

Not in a "Yes. Daddy please."

Pleasure plea.

Darling disaster after disaster. 

Breeding fast then even faster. 

Can I breathe when you pacify me?

Naughty.

Suffocating silence gave way to staring at the celestial ceiling.

Lending to even deeper feelings. 

Emotional internal work.

Days went by, I looked infinitely into my life. 

Disappointed and dismayed, I realized whom of which I betrayed.

I looked at my sons and felt the deepest shame. 

I was not the mother I promised myself, God and them that I would be. 

I looked into the eyes of my mother watching her grow older right next to me. 

I felt so very very alone.

I felt myself growing colder.

A sunken ship. 

Boulder.

Not bolder.

Cold shoulder.

Deepest depression I slipped.

No medication. 

Intervention.

No counseling could cure the pain that grew. 

I was watching pieces of myself float away like ashes do. 

I used to do a great job.

Making everyone around believe in the things their eyes deceived.

Lies about how I feel.

I was the life of the party. Happy, moving like honey. Living my best life. 

Never wanted to be a wife.

Good for me.

Inside, I felt completely empty. 

Nothing filled the void. Nothing. 

Told everyone I was great.

Gave everyone around everything I had. 

Still do.

My family, my ex's, my "friends", my friends...whatever I could give I gave.

Makes me wanna break shit.

Makes me wanna kill a bitch.

It came time for self care. 

I wasn't there.

I was unaware.

I had nothing left to give or share.  

I fell down the rabbit hole. Never ending feedback loop.

No mercy.

No grace.

No time to save face.

Pretty face, thick butter pecan taste.

I see everything.

I felt nothing.

Cut myself to feel something.

Cut my heart to feel nothing.

Scar me up. 

Never showing any love.

Ain't shit sweet in the street.

Falling and crawling on my knees.

Entertaining only my sexuality because it was the biggest part of my self realization of identity.

Oozing, dripping, sweet like honey.

Moving my body. 

Just the way you wanna see.

The sexual way a woman can be. 

In touch with eroctic sensuality.

To be seen beyond the hungry side...

Rarity.

Praying that I wasn't seen, that this was all a dream. 

Bad theme.

Slowly trying to kill myself.

I prayed everyday that I wouldn't open my eyes.

I couldn't make this shit up. I apologize. 

Feeling horribly stuck.

Angry at God.

I opened my eyes "reality".

Easier to slip into the sexual side.

Sometimes its easier to hide.

I won't talk about shit.

I just wanted to stop.

Quit.

Dying my whole life.

Living my life praying for death.

Spending every night crying. Every single night while everyone slept, I wept. 

I still weep. 

Crucifixion.

Hate me.

I don't recall the last time I was loved by somebody.

Definitely not loved by me.

Circles and circles.

Around a heart that was born broken.

Was it worth it?

Wanna do it again?

Where can you run when there's no where to finish or begin.

Can't get away from you.

Who do you turn to when you feel like you don't matter?

Not even to you. 

Does it matter if you don't?

We all say we love ourselves. Living a white lie.

We all do things we cannot change. 

We all do things of which we are ashamed. 

Are you tired of making amends?

Do you wanna do it again?

Question, can you forgive yourself?

I don't think I ever will. 

I want forgiveness. 

Or do I.

I don't want to live stuck in the middle.

Mistakes are only that if you don't know better.

Do better if you know better.

Shit, been tryin that since way back whenever. 

However, humans are the ultimate variable.

Rewinding or focusing on things I have no control over. I've never been able to live in the present. 

Is that why I am here?

Is pain a compromise?

Controller.

The only place I feel safe is here. 

Here in these words

I become completely vulnerable to vulnerability.

I can release everything.

Here, I place my trust in words only.

Here, is my special place where I am safe.

I place these words down in all such glory. 

Just another gem to the crown.

Another seed sown.

Show my heart.

Get out of my head.

Hold me down.

Open my heart up.

Here, I fight for peace.

Here, I find beauty.

Here, I let go and accept me.

Vulnerability.

So pretty. No games.

Look at that smile.

Pretty, shining but not glowing.

Putting on a good face.

Not here, in this place.

It won't always be this hard.

Within these words I see life. I see art.

Within music, dance and writing... I feel free. 

Free.

Vulnerability has always been hard.

I make people uncomfortable when I'm authentically Camille. 

Or whatever label fits at the time of the crime.

My rawness is my fatality.

Street fighter. Naturally.

It's either painful, intimidating, awkward or they just don't know how to handle it.

I lay in these words.

Rain or shine.

Music, dance and words flow so deeply.

Chemistry.

Deeply, passionately sensitive sensuality.

Swimming along these pages my soul reaches as it drifts out to sea. 

Sink or swim as the current brews internal elements. Inconsolable inconsistencies wrap me in a life jacket full of drowning memories. Praying for everyone but me.

Trauma rains down pain.

Pouring rain but washing away nothing.

Devastation shines.

Fire and brimstone brine.

Drinking it all down.

Seeping through the seams.

Disappointment deceives.

Triggers engagement rings.

Shackles made of memories.

Standing holding the gun.

Trigger is fun.

Safe words escape.

Not out loud.

I'm terrifying.

I'm crazy but they like that.

Slipping silently into another disparity.

No coming back.

Heart attack.

Voices become guns.

Words are bullets.

Here, the lines are clear.

Crystal.

Here, forgive and forget.

Not holding regrets.

Thoughts become artistic experiences.

They want forgiveness for the whack shit they've done throughout the years.

I can't give that.

I'm not there yet.

Things might change.

Or they may remain.

One thing I know for sure is that I'm never sure.

I know many things.

I've experienced many things.

What does it amount to in the end?

Are you your own friend?

Everything on that it does depend.

Deep end.

Count to ten.

Then dive in.

Bad at receiving.

Love.

Love is believing that you are worthy of giving and receiving.

That's not deceiving.

Love is always greater.

Greater than all. 

Greater like a Creator.

I only have these words.

These stand tall.

My words. 

Pages and pages.

Music.

Dance.

Living within.

Fire of creativity flowing. Lava.

I have three things.

That I'm certain.

Certain they are Greater.

These things contain love.

Love shown raw.

Like honey sweet dripping from me.

Sensually expressing all the sensitivity of the hidden parts of me.

Flowing from my mind, soul and body.

Think about me.

Join me.

Sweet tooth. 

Please enjoy the fall. 

Sugar baby.

Fruits of things unseen.

Fruits of the greatest things.